Take A Deep Breath Before You Read

July 11, 2009

Back track—a little history…

I’ve been thinking for quite some time about starting this journal or blog. I used to write in a journal when I was younger and I really enjoyed it. There’s been many times I think about starting one but I always come up with some excuse not to. I’m home from work and the kids are with Dusty at a friend’s house while he studies for the promotional exam coming up. They probably won’t be home for another couple of hours. The house is quiet…I can think…and why not give it a start now?! I’ve decided to start this as a journal. Journal means to me, to keep as private. I may one day turn some if not all of this into a blog. There’s something particular that I want to share with family and friends, but I’m not to the point of sharing yet. I’ve discussed this topic with a few people but I’ve been sure to make it seem that it was only a distant thought…okay…where do I begin???

It all started with a conversation over the phone with Mandi (my friend since pre-school) back I believe in the summer of 2008. We were discussing whether or not we would have any more kids. Of course I was like, “Nope I’m done.” I’ve said that since before Ava was born. Dusty and I knew that we wanted to get pregnant and have one more child, but that was it. I had told him even if it were another boy, that would be it for me. He agreed. We were so sure that I asked to have my tubes tied once I gave birth. The doctor of course said NO due to the fact that I was too young. He told me, “Alyson, I just started having kids at your husband’s age!” (I was 23 when Ava was born and Dusty was almost 28) I said, “Yeah, but you’re a doctor! You were in med school!”

After I had Ava, at my 6 week post partum appointment I asked him about Dusty getting a vasectomy. Dusty and I had talked about it and agreed that I would get a name from my doctor for him to see. My doctor whom I respect, spoke with me very candidly about all of the “what ifs”. What if you divorce…what if a child dies…what if you die and your husband wants to start another family…what if you change your mind??? I appreciated him giving me such things to think about. I think it’s natural to think that these things can’t happen to me but after losing my mom I realize, oh yes…these things CAN happen to me and you never know what tomorrow will bring. I went home and had a good long discussion with Dusty about what the doctor said. We took some time and decided together that this is what we should do. We never really looked back. Dusty did get the vasectomy and everything went just fine. No more worries of birth control!

So during my conversation with Mandi the idea of adoption came up. I had said that I have no desire to be pregnant again but that I could see maybe adopting one day. Mandi, who is adopted, said that she had thought about adopting, too. Since Mandi and I were young we talked about adoption. I told her that I would be interested in adopting a little girl from China. This was normal for Mandi and me to have conversations of “maybe one day…” We’ve been doing it our entire lives!! It’s pretty cool to think that we have been friends so long. There aren’t many childhood friends who you really keep as adult friends. This was the first time in my adult life that I vocalized the fact that I had thought of adopting and it was the first time that I had ever thought about where from and what sex of the child, etc. Little did I know that having that one conversation was the beginning to something much bigger.

Since that conversation with Mandi, my wanting to adopt has only increased. I told Sharon when we were out to breakfast, just me and her, one morning that I wanted to adopt a baby girl from China. I was nervous about what her reaction would be. She got all misty eyed and said how great she thought it was! I’ve also since spoken to my Dad and a few friends. There are so many regulations on adopting from China and one of them is that both parents have to be 30. At the time I was 27 so I knew this would buy me plenty of time to think, pray, read, research and then come to a decision.


Okay, all of this written above was a little background on how this thought ended up in my head…now…I want to write more current day feelings instead of what has already happened.


I truly believe that God has placed it in my heart to adopt. I, in the past year, have read a ton of books and done countless hours of researching on the internet about international adoption, countries, agencies, fees, regulations, time frames, etc. I’ve had info sent to me from several different agencies so that I can start comparing. I’ve spoken with a couple different moms who have adopted internationally. I have a spiral notebook that has the dates of these conversations and notes. I keep other info about agencies in there as well as a list of questions to ask the agencies. I have made calls this week to start interviewing agencies. My heart was set on China, but with the increasing waiting time for China, I am now researching many different countries.

It’s quite humbling that I’m so serious about having a 3rd child through adoption. It has been asked by many, “Are you going to have any more children?” and my answer has always been, “No way, I’m done!” I read an article called “The Adoption Gene” and it talks of certain people who have a predisposition, a yearning, a deeply held desire-from a young age-to adopt. I believe that I have this “adoption gene”. I think that everything happens for a reason. Possibly God has placed it in my heart to adopt long before I knew it was there. Or maybe once I had that conversation with Mandi, that’s when God planted the seed in me to adopt.

Dusty and I went through a time months ago that we questioned ourselves…Is it just that we want another child? We can go get a vasectomy reversal done if that’s the case. It would probably be quite a bit cheaper, too. We did look into it. I’ve kept praying about it and you know what? This really has nothing to do with wanting another biological child, or the fact that my friends are just now having babies. It’s not about me having the “baby itch”. I’m sure that’s the way it looks. In fact, I’ve said so many times lately how nice it is that my 2 kids are a little older now. I can lay out at the pool or beach and just keep an eye on them because they swim so well now. We can take them to the movies and do different “big kid” things now. We’re out of using strollers and car seats…just one booster is really needed now. As I type this, it’s crazy to think and really nice to be honest, but I can’t get adoption out of my head!! It’s been a year that I’ve been thinking about this seriously now!

The first time Dusty caught me researching online about adoption, he thought that I was nuts! =) After talking and Dusty learning where my heart is, he was totally up for adopting internationally. It really didn’t take us long to know that this is something that we would like to do. Now…here comes the dreaded part. Financially, HOW could we do this? This was and is our only set back. Now that I’m looking into other countries, most commonly you have to be at least 25. So, technically, if money were no object, we would be able to start our adoption journey now. (I’m 28 and Dusty is 33) How nice that would be! Our kids, Ty 9 years and Ava 5 ½ years are only getting older. To adopt internationally it usually can take anywhere from a year or more. That’s longer than a pregnancy! The wait time for China is up to 3 years or longer! That’s why we don’t feel China would be right. We’re okay with the 3rd child being not as close in age as the other 2, but goodness! We don’t want them to not grow up together at all!

Dusty and I did immediately agree on a few things. One would be that we would request a girl. Why a girl? Ava’s room is plenty big enough to share and being that she’s the youngest, we still have girl things in reach to reuse. We’ve handed down all of Ava’s clothes to Audrey (Mandi’s daughter) and Mandi has even shared them with some of her other friends but has told them that she needs them back! =) We would be set up with clothes. We still have a crib and plenty of girly toys, hair things, etc. As for age, I would like as young as we can get, but a lot of countries have it set up where they have to be offered to their own country for adoption for 6 months and then they can be eligible for international adoption. In many cases, that means the youngest you could get would be 8 months. All countries are different. Some you have to wait longer for girls, some the youngest you can get is 2 years old. With all of the research with age ranges, I think, realistically, if I ask for a child under a year would be great, but not older than 18 months.

I can’t explain it, but I feel an overwhelming feeling that this is what God’s will is for us to do. I think that Dusty getting a vasectomy was part of the plan, and the fact that we had kids young enough that we are able to still experience this great joy too, is part of the plan and the fact that I was sure that we would have no more kids, was part of the plan! I feel like it was part of God’s plan for me to not want any other biological children so that we would be ready for this part of our lives.

One adoption agency had a booklet with lots of interesting stories, articles and thoughts. Here are some…

Ephesians 1:15
“…He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will,” (NIV)

God loves us as our adoptive parent. God’s plan of redemption for an imperfect world was set in motion through the very concept of adoption. Not only did He ordain his son Jesus to be adopted, but He made adoption the only way we could become a part of His eternal family. It was His good pleasure to adopt us. In fact it is His ideal mechanism to establish relationships.

Genesis 17:12
“And he that is eight days old will be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of your seed.” (NKJV)

Relationships are built on trust, time and commitment, and have very little to do with biological or genetic connections. When we understand that God defines relationship in terms of spiritual traits like love, faith, and hope we realize that genetic bonds are insignificant.

(all of this above is from America World Adoptions booklet written by Brian and Renee Rouleau Luwis)

Okay, this was a lot for one day. One last verse…

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.